An irregular review series of choice Hawaii 5-0 episodes

F.O.B. Honolulu

Essential-meter: 6/10

Unofficial Title: The Ballad of Tony Madrid

Have I ever pointed out how ridiculously mundane the grifter names in Hawaii 5-0 are?

Anyway, back in the early days of TV, you’d run across Madrid’s character type fairly often. The sniveler. The tiny, little man who wanted to play in the big leagues. The sweaty mess who blows everything all to hell trying to be a Big Man. Rod Serling wrote a lot of these characters. It was a 50′s trope. Which means it’s quite hoary in the 70′s. Think McGarrett cares? Not one bit. He relishes putting the small man back in his place.

It’s a two parter, and that can only mean one thing: Wo Fat. The Red Chinese agent is like the McGarrett of evil communism: consummate, precise, always spouting inscrutable platitudes that sound vaguely like Confucius. One gets the idea that if he were on the side of good and Democracy, that he’d be ALMOST as good as McGarrett. If only he weren’t always trying to destroy the West and all we believe in.

The super-diabolical plot? Someone has some good forgery plates of $20 bills. Just imagine if the Chinese could duplicate our money willy nilly? Our government would instantly collapse. Or bail out the banks.

And not only do we get Wo Fat, but we get a rogues gallery of spies and Harry Mudd from Star Trek as a Russian agent.

There’s lots of “intrigue”. But in the end, the plates end up in the hands of Tony Madrid. Wo Fat calls him “Always too little, always too late”. McGarrett brands him a small, little man. In the end, who’s the Big Man? McGarrett.

My only complaint with this oversized episode? Not enough McGarrett, and too much pretty lady boring spy.

Awesome Moments and Hyperbole:

• The Government, predictably, folds like a cheap suit, taking the first opportunity to appease the criminals. Leaving only McGarrett to stand up for true justice.
• Harry Mudd is partial to wearing argyle sweaters in the tropics, and eating giant grapes.
• One Shot McGarrett – Steve kills a Wo Fat agent with one shot.
• Awesome 5-0 airborne raid on a radio tower, complete with machine guns!

An irregular review series of choice Hawaii 5-0 episodes

Ten Thousand Diamonds and a Heart

Essential-meter: 6/10

This is a meat and potatoes jewel heist, with a twist right there in the title. The Mastermind (played by Twiki’s master in Buck Rogers), is busted out of jail in a bloody hail of bullets by The Banker. The Banker ups the ante by killing the help he hired for the jailbreak to tie up the loose ends. Surely, we’re in for a mediocre ride with these seasoned criminals.

Awesome Moments:

• The Mastermind has a heart condition, fakes his heart condition, and then uses drugs to induce a fake heart attack to get his hands on the rocks. Layers within layers, man.
• The Banker smokes cigars only imported by one store in San Francisco.
• A few shots of McGarrett’s ape-like hair on the back of his hands slip through the editing room.
• Chin thinks the Banker isn’t worth investigating, thinking him too old and inept to cause any trouble.  This gives McGarrett the chance to bask in smug self-satisfaction when they find an old man hair on the scene.
• No Very Important Speech this episode. Probably to make room for the very important heart condition switcharoo/switcharoo.
• One Shot McGarrett – Where most action stars from the 70′s empty their clips, Steve always hits whatever he’s aiming at the first time. In this episode, it’s two tires on the getaway car.

Lock Down This Rock!!
An irregular review series of choice Hawaii 5-0 episodes

Season 3, Episode 13: Paniolo

Essential-meter: 5/10

I’m glad I don’t own a ranch. That way, I will never need to feel the pain of having the bank man take it away from me. As far as I can tell from television, and Hawaii 5-0, the bank does most of their business in biding their time for several generations before stealing a poor family’s land.

Cowboys in Hawaii. You’d think it’d make a fascinating mix. But no. It’s pretty dull. Hawaiian cowboys get their land taken away too. There’s some half-hearted plot about an accidentally dead, cheating loan officer, but really, it’s all pretty weak build up to McGarett’s Very Important Speech.

Awesome Moments:

• McGarett on a horse.
• McGarett pretending to be a cowboy.
• McGarett wearing a foppish cowboy outfit.
• Very Important Speech – McGarett is clearly on the side of the poor, everyman farmer, but insists, INSISTS that said farmer turn himself over to the law, which will be merciful and good. The Hawaiian farmer chooses to go out in a blaze of glory instead. McGarett takes a flesh wound to the shoulder to show how he too carries the burden of the downtrodden.

A new series because I’m bored!

Lock Down This Rock!!
An irregular review series of choice Hawaii 5-0 episodes

Season 3, Episode 13: The Double Wall

Essential-meter: 8/10

There’s trouble in paradise, weirdly enough, because an innocent man is in jail. Turns out the poor guy is framed, working in the prison infirmary, and has the only witness who can clear his name die in his arms. What’s a good man pushed to his breaking point to do? Take a hostage and force McGarrett to do glorious battle with injustice.

McGarrett needs to solve a case as cold as Klingon revenge in mere hours, or else the prisoner will be too sleepy to hold his gun, and will shoot his hostage(Boss Hogg). Steve ratchets up the hyperbole by yelling to anyone who will listen that he has NO TIME FOR ANYTHING BUT THE TRUTH!!

Awesome Moments:

• McGarrett takes Chin to shake down a Chinese gambling den for information. The diminutive dealer gives McGarrett everything he needs in enigmatic platitudes. The dealer dramatically lifts up a bowl to reveal that all the gambling chips have vanished – not is all is as it appears!
• Very Important Speech – Steve berates a scared witness who doesn’t want to testify lest he get hurt. McGarrett’s speech makes the witness have a change of heart, of course, and he gets a bullet in the brain for his troubles. Oh, the price of being an honest man.
• Hey, it’s That Guy!
• Prisoner is exonerated, set free, and faces no trial for violent kidnapping. Fair’s fair!
• “If an innocent man is in prison, it has to do with all of us.” Steve McGarrett